Thursday, August 24th 2017

What do men really want from a woman?

Truths my father told me: what men love in women are the same qualities that they seek in themselves

BY MICAL AKULLIAN — I was blessed with a father who taught me that a man is what you make him.

My father was the kind of guy who cried when he was in pain, spoke out when he was feeling sad or angry, danced like a pink flamingo in a room full of metaphorical seagulls, and loved unabashedly all those things which moved his heart.

For my father, answering the call of what people in spiritual circles call ‘the divine feminine’ took all his courage — and rendered making meaningful friendships with other Baby Boomer men in the suburbs of central California distinctly difficult.  He found himself searching for water in a parched desert, and while his life was cut too short (he died before his time at 45), he passed a proverbial torch to me.

Having a role model who embodied a balance of masculine and feminine made me aware of how much healing needs to take place within the culture of men.

Our hearts are literally locked up, which is an emotional metaphor for a medical reality: In America, more men die every day of cardiac failure than gunshot wounds, cancer or car accidents.

Men have been painfully unraveling at the seams, fighting and kicking every step of the way.

Yet many men are, in fact, emotional, sensitive, intuitive, and loving creatures — more similar to our female counterparts then we ever wanted to admit.

Well isn’t one of man’s most secret pleasures the art of living vicariously through the feminine energy in the women we love?  And as long as we can maintain our manly façades, there’s no reason to actually indulge in our feminine expression, right?

Just be cool men.

Women are now our greatest teachers.


They know the growing pains of breaking through cultural barriers that once restricted the flow and balance of their own masculine and feminine energies.

But while there are many subcultures of men creating, and spiritually expanding, where is our Men’s Liberation?

Let’s not allow another day pass where we choose silence over expression, stoic diffidence over tenderness, pride over humility and rigidity over fluidity.

Instead, let’s take every opportunity to let our guards down.

Let ourselves investigate the beauty within, and allow for the flow of the divine feminine to emerge.  Explore expressing oneself in new ways, with more flexibility, openness, and empathy.  It will feel damn good, so good it might even bring tears of joy to one’s eyes.

If you are already one of those men who spends their days ecstatically dancing, emoting, keyed into your feminine intuition, take it upon yourself to befriend one of those starving creatures still locked in outdated cultural tendencies.  The confusion and fear can be excruciating — and a friendly face, or an outstretched hand, like an oasis in the desert.

Mical Akullian is a holistic counselor in San Francisco who received his Master’s degree from San Francisco State University.

He recently returned to the city after living for a year in a spiritual commune in northern California.

His first column for Soul’s Code was, “When Meditation is a Pain”

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One Comment on “What do men really want from a woman?”

  1. I was touched as I read about your relationship with your father (mine was quite similar), but I think it’s time to pull the plug on the Venus and Mars contraption. Analyzing the behavior of men and women from a psychological viewpoint may be intellectually stimulating, but it is not an endgame. If I cry and dance, am I exhibiting feminine traits? Who is to say they are not masculine? And why in the world does it matter?

    And is it healing men need or just some good information?

    I think we’d ALL benefit by discussing the challenges we face as human beings. Rather than continuing to noodle over gender identity, why not ask ourselves weightier identity questions like: who are we beyond name and form?

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