Marina’s epiphany: her problems with intimacy stem from her childhood sexual abuse
In the last episode Marina met the love of her life, Chris, and settled down to what she thought would be married bliss. But her demons were never far away and soon Marina became embroiled in an internet love affair.
BY MARINA GIULLIANI — After being unceremoniously dumped by my cyber lover, I recommitted to my relationship with Chris and two days later boarded a plane to Vancouver to visit Lori, my best friend in the world.
She suggested I pick up a new book, Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now for the trip from Montreal. I opened it on the plane and couldn’t put down. It contained incredible principles that I was sure I could put into practice. The healing had begun. I was going there to get closure on the past year and keep moving. I had made a conscious decision to quit smoking dope a few weeks earlier and was keeping my promise to myself, so I was feeling pretty healthy and focused. . . for about five minutes.
Lori was never one to allow me to get away with anything and this time was no exception. As a belated birthday gift she’d already set up an appointment for me for a remarkable experience.
Craniosacral Therapy? I’d never heard of if it, but as I’d sat in a traditional psychotherapy chair years back and accomplished very little, I knew anything totally non-traditional was for me.
Learnings from my aura
This man studied the energy of my aura and saw my anger as clearly as if I was wearing a big red sign. “There is a very dark area in your field on your right side, the liver is where our physical bodies hold anger. What’s going on with that?”
I detailed the events of the past year and we discussed my marijuana addiction.
He asked two questions. “Have you had any surgery” I had. And, “What’s your intention for our session?” “I used to be so in touch with my intuitive energy and spirituality and now I can’t even pray”.
And so we started.
The first thing I remember feeling was an intense pulling and pitching from the scar under my left arm where I had been operated on thirteen years earlier. “Physical problems always affect your energic body first. Take yourself back to the time before the surgery. What was happening in your life?” “That scar lies on your heart meridan.” I confided to him that Chris and I hadn’t made love for a number of years.
He put his hand over my uterus and explained, “All creative energy comes from the second chakra. It’s the place that holds our feminine energy, our creative power. The energy you work from is predominately male. Your heart chakra and second chakra have become completely disconnected, so there is a lot of fire here. It’s untapped female energy.” At that moment I finally clued in to what the therapist meant fourteen years before when she told me I “had lost touch with my feminine side”.
Rebalancing feminine and masculine
A session with a karmic astrologer was the next event on Lori’s list of “how bring Marina back”. Her reading reaffirmed my life path. “As you are already aware, you and your husband recognized each other immediately. You have already spent many lifetimes together. . .”
I had always known Chris and I weren’t strangers when we met. “. . .You have a very deep wound from something in your past that makes it impossible for you to love deeply. Don’t get me wrong, you are a very loving person, but somehow you always feel alone. You have a problem with intimacy. You dominate from your masculine side. You must reacquaint yourself with your feminine.”
My entire trip had been a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I talked to Chris almost daily but could never formulate a solid conclusion for our future. I got on the plane the following day realizing what was supposed to be a trip to find closure on the past year was just the beginning of a long road ahead. I had pinpointed some of the problems, and now there were answers to be extracted. It was rather like anticipating a trip to the dentist. Chris met me at the airport with open arms.
Furthering my attempt at putting my life back together, I called on one of the most centered women I know. We had dinner and she helped me focus on myself and on rebuilding my life with Chris. In relating my story, I told her how long I’d been lacking sex and without drama or emotion detailed my sessions with West Coast healers, my disconnected chakras and my childhood sexual experience with my grandfather. Expressionless, she replied, “Well that would be a good way to disconnect sex and love. You felt sexual pleasure with no intimacy”.
It was a reasonable explanation, but it would take some thought. Then the words “. . .you have a problem with intimacy. . .” drifted slowly in and out of my consciousness. Two days later it hit me like a cold slap. I had been sexually violated, and that was where this urgent need to be in control of everything started!
The healing had truly begun.
Marina Giulliani’s book, Sins of My Faith: Innocence Lost to Incest, chronicles a true story of stolen innocence and the ultimate redemption of a little girl raised in the Roman Catholic tradition.
If this spoke to you, here are five similar articles.
- Finding, and losing, love
- Sex and the single-minded girl
- Forgiveness was my final release from years of pain
- My first taste of control came in my grandfather’s lap
- A child’s false God