Tuesday, October 17th 2017

The death of the soul mate fantasy

In a Soul’s Code exclusive from the newly published book, Unintelligent Humans. . .Questions to Stimulate Your Soul, a psychotherapist gives 6 tips on how to become your own soul mate

BY RICHARD A. SINGER JR. — As human beings we are consistently involved in an endless search for something external to fill the painful void within us. We search for the perfect partner, or our soul mate, with the hopes of finding everlasting joy, happiness and true love.  We look for a new partner to relieve our pain of the loss of another.

What we fail to realize is that by expecting another human being to make us a complete person we are decreasing our own self worth and simply saying that we are not wholesome or complete as we are.

We need to realize that we already have the precious gift of love and happiness deep within our own being and that our pain will always exist until we begin to trust and rely on the innate happiness within our own beating heart.

There is no soul mate out there; your soul mate lives within you, patiently awaiting the day when you decide to reunite with the perfect love that exists and will always exist in the depths of your soul.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete” — Buddha

You are your best friend, lover and inspiration, above all others. By loving your entire being you will gain unlimited capacity to share this unconditional love and kindness with everyone who crosses your path.

Embrace the uniqueness of your being and begin to engage passionately in the admiration of your whole self. You have a specific meaning and purpose for being alive, thus it is your responsibility to honor your life. Before you can engage in any other intimate relationship, you must devote love and respect for every aspect of your being.

Learn to express compassionate and unconditional self-love. Allow the intuition of your soul to guide you to higher states of consciousness and be the recipient of the immense love that resides within your heart. Let love, compassion and kindness exude from your being and touch all the souls you come in contact with.

Six suggestions to embrace and nourish your relationship with yourself and others

1.  Practice mindfulness. A life lived mindfully is a life filled with peace, tranquility, joy, truth, bliss, ecstasy and compassion. Mindfulness is a form of meditation, involving direct participation in each moment as it occurs with complete awareness of your present experience.

Dive into the harmonious and perfect rhythm of the universe and you will experience the true essence of life. Let go of the attachments of the past and the desires of the future and simply be, right now. These attachments always lead to discontentment, frustration, and an inability to enjoy life. Free yourself from this bondage by first forgiving yourself, and then forgiving others.

2. Awaken to the truth of life. Do not allow your ego to manipulate you into believing that the melodramas of the physical world are a reality in which you must participate. Always reflect deeply within your being and allow your spirit to determine what is important in your life.

3. Accept change. Acknowledging change plays a vital role in our relationships. When we accept that others have faults and weaknesses, just like ourselves, we are truly in a position to know the other person and to experience their inner world.

Rather than attempting to change the person to our ideal partner, we are able to witness and enjoy the growth of another unique human being.

4. Quiet your ego. Be still and know that you are not what your ego tells you and you do not have to react to what your mind thinks, feels, or believes. Stillness will help you to connect to that genuine part of yourself that doesn’t judge, manipulate, or harm. To live by your ego whether you are relating with yourself or others will ultimately cause conflict and confusion. Relating with your genuine self will emanate love in all interactions.

5. Acknowledge impermanence. Escape from behind the clouds of misunderstanding and gently surrender to the eternal present of your daily life. Accept and be one with the energy of the Universe. Nothing stays the same, yet everything remains perfect. To surrender to whom you are and to what is in each moment is the way to enlightenment in all areas of your life.  Acceptance of momentary and constant change is the key to peace.

6. Embrace simplicity. This is the essence of spiritual life. To simply be, living devoid of all the chaos caused by external demands, is the path to ultimate liberation and pure joy. Implement enjoyment and humor in each moment you experience during your journey of life. Learn to laugh at yourself and the challenges presented to you. Smile in the face of adversity and know that this is the natural state of your genuine being in this physical lifetime.

Read another excerpt from Unintelligent Humans: Honoring the human family: nobody gets left behind.

Richard A. Singer, Jr. is a trained psychotherapist, college instructor, and award-winning author.  Richard is the author of two meditation books, Your Daily Walk with the Great Minds: Wisdom and Enlightenment of the Past and Present, and Eastern Wisdom for Your Soul. His work has been featured in magazines, including Library Journal and Martha Stewart’s Living Magazine, and he has appeared on radio and television shows. Richard lives in Georgetown, Grand Cayman Islands.

To learn more about Richard and his work, please visit his site.

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13 Comments on “The death of the soul mate fantasy”

  1. Maybe a soul mate is not just another aspect of oneself but an aspect of the divine? Maybe the divine is not as finite as we like to put in words? Perhaps the infinite needs the beauty out there to shine within. So perhaps a soul mate is not just inside but beyond the inside and outside.

  2. As an Aussie let me simply say that....
    My Soul is My Best Mate!

  3. For me a soul mate is a person that you recognize as somebody that you have a significant soul contract with.

    If you are looking for a soul mate to make you happy or have a perfect relationship with, you are in fact looking for an emotional crutch so that you can avoid dealing with your own responsibility.

    I have soul mates that are female and heterosexual like me. I have gay friends who live with their gay soul mates. I do not believe that a soul mate is necessarily a romantic partner or that there are any constraints in meeting your soul mate.

  4. While I agree that, "I love me" is healthy and spiritual the romantic in me believes that we are community and finding a suitable companion, lover, friend is an ideal.

    If we are secure in the ME then we can contribute to a meaningful and satisfying WE. I believe in soul-to-soul love. I also believe that it will present itself rather than the search becoming consuming. The hope is that we recognize the soul mate when he/she becomes present.

  5. Except that soul mates are really about the SOUL and reincarnation patterns. Your soulmate is the spirit you ALWAYS reincarnate with. It is not something you decide upon. it was decided eons ago by your spirit's design. It is a part of the Grand Design.

    Soul Mates are not something one chooses. It is something that is simply part of your soul's instinct. Fight it as you may, you are with that other being--practically against your will in many instances. Soul Mates are the yin and yang counterparts for each other. They have the precise balance of yin and yang for that soul. No two beings are exactly the same in that regard and therefore no two can have the exact same balancer. I know my harmonic of yin and yang.

    Therefore i know exactly which harmonic of yang and yin I am looking for as my soulmate. This idea is not human...it is transcendent across all Life. Parrots seem smarter on this than humans...they actually mate for life.

  6. There is truth to this, in that the search for an external "other" to fulfill us is futile and fantasy.

    However, it stops short of full reality. Because when we are free in ourselves, and no longer seek for someone to complete us - our "soul mate" can arrive in human form.

    By soul mate I mean someone with whom we are totally compatible, with whom we feel peace, and for whom we feel nothing but love. A relationship of freedom and a dance of mystery.

    How do I know this? Because my "soul mate" and I just found each other.

    So to everyone who still believes in magic and has not yet fallen under the spell of the rationalist hypnotists - I can tell you that your deepest Heart yearning, your deepest dreams, CAN come true.

  7. So how are we defining the concept? Is a "soul mate" the "perfect match for me", the "person who completes your soul", "someone who really, really understands me", "the one I absolutely want to be with" or some other thing all together?

    I categorically reject the idea of one and one only perfect mate. We can see all around us, and look at what history we can, and see that humans have managed to make happy pairings for themselves without being invested in the idea of One and Only One. If that were true, damn few people would ever get together.

    There were millions and are now billions people in this world, and up until pretty darn recently, the odds of you meeting many people other than those of your village/tribe/language group were low. So it's a hundred years ago, and there is one and one only perfect person on the planet for me, but I'm in Peoria and Mr./Ms. Right is in Tibet. Well, I guess I'd be screwed for that lifetime.

    Is that to say that we never meet someone who just feels so right, that our lives finally feel complete? Of course not. It happened to me, at least twice.

    The first time, the guy broke my heart. My "soul" felt like huge chunks had been ripped out, like an orange suddenly missing multiple segments. I will never forget that feeling. It was horrible. But, I got better. I moved on.

    I'm currently married to Mr. Perfect For Me. We call each other Soul Mates. We make each other so happy, it's not funny--except for the part where we laugh together a lot. One little glitch, though. He's dying. I'll never hear that great, booming laugh again. I'll be happy if he sees the next equinox, much less his next birthday.

    I will not believe that losing him means I am then incomplete. I will not accept that losing this Soul Mate means there is no one else with whom I can feel happy and whole. I will not believe that life is either that cruel or that arbitrary.

    I do believe, as has been alluded to, that the cosmic joke is that the more we are whole within ourselves, the more we are at peace within ourselves, the more we attract people who are themselves whole, healthy partners for us.

    BTW, the availability of DNA testing has proven conclusively that species who mate for life are what are now called "socially monogamous." They hang out together for life, but maybe as many as 40% of the eggs in the nest have different daddies.

  8. I had a reading once almost 20 years ago - was having some relationship issues with my husband at the time (we'd been together 25 years). The reader saw the challenges and also saw that we were "old souls" together - that we'd been together in many previous lifetimes, and kept coming back together because we didn't know what else to do.

    My husband died not long after this reading -and I've always wondered if we would again at some time in the future of the universe cross paths. It took him 4 years to "leave" me after he crossed over - he came clearly to me to say goodbye ... but that's another story.

    I tend to believe, in this respect, the concept of "soul mates" may be real. And he is not the only person I've loved in my life.

  9. I'm so happy to read someone expressing what Singer has expressed. We hold onto certain myths that often wear the shroud of spirituality, but they are ego-generated, not spirit-generated, and are merely more of the same, the wolf in sheep's clothing so to speak. One of those very deeply believed myths are that we are going to find "the one" for us, and get married, and live happily ever after; but the only way to live happily ever after is to find The One inside yourSelf.

    Then add to that myth the pseudo-spiritual notion that there is a soul-mate, and bingo, you have an "enlightened" view, which in this case means it is the same old same old but appearing better.

    "Soul" itself is one of those words that has 1,000,000 meanings, and I have no idea what it is. I know what people say it is, but I haven't had any personal revelation about it yet. People throw it around like it is THE truth. I suspect it's just another one of those myths, a version of "who I am is this ego, this name, this special individual being who I must protect and pit against others". So, if I'm not that, at least I am a soul, or I have a soul, something that makes me special and individual and is more spiritual.

    I probably should get Singer's book, because he seems to know.

  10. I believe that all living beings have a soul. When we die our soul leaves our body. This can also be done by an OBE, however, you are still connected to your physical body. The connection between mind and soul I believe is one and the same. You have your physical body and mind, but your thoughts are part of your soul's brain and would continue with you after death, as they are a part of you.

    The concept of a Soul Mate is interesting. I am not so sure of this. I think souls are drawn together to form a type of bonding, however, why can't you have more than one soul mate? If you believe in past lifes you could be connected to more than one soul that you were friends/lovers in a past life.

    I guess I believe that you can have more than one soul mate, since we are all part of the God force, we are all part of each other. Now if all peoples could learn this maybe we could stop spending money on wars and help each other instead.

  11. When you love yourself and respect and take care of your self, then you can love someone else. One of the things I've learned from my masters, you can only give what you already have. In other words, if you don't have something you can't give it. Most people do not love, they manipulate and that's because they don't love themselves first.

    You can't give what you don't have!

  12. We each have many soul mates, and of course we will certainly cross their paths.

    What the issue really is, is a human condition, which makes a lot of people fundamentally believe that a soul mate is someone who we will meet, be starry eyed over, and live happily ever after.

    The fact is, many of our soul mates are our biggest antagonists. Most of our soul mates do not fit together like 2 neat cogs on a wheel, but rather grind against each other in order to create the necessary friction, to learn, grow and move on. We have decided to meet with these souls before we are even born, in our souls desire for growth.

    When our souls become enlightened enough (in our human condition thinking), we are able to recognize, and unconditionally love and leave these people, understanding that our paths have crossed for the time that they have, and now it's time to go.

    Sometimes a soul mate will be someone who will walk out of our life in 2 minutes, yet our interraction with them will always change us profoundly, usually because it's a wake up call for our souls to get busy, it's time.

    The type of soul mate Richard A Singer Jr is talking about re: he thinks we need to become our OWN soul mates rather than waiting for a "perfect" mate to come along.
    ......is out there....but not in layman thinking. Again it's our brain that causes the issue and confusion.

    Yes, the above refers back to the good old psychological 'when you love yourself....blah blah blah, (we all know the rest), which I suppose is the first step for man. Man needs to understand it in his mind, before he can start experiencing it in his emotions, and fundamentally take it on as a spiritual experience.

    I've regularly told clients, (and done this myself) to write everything down on a piece of paper that they are looking for in a relationship....everything, down to the minutest detail, fold it up and put it away and don't look at it again.

    I advise them, that if someone comes along who doesn't fit ALL the criteria on the list to not settle for second best, because you can have everything.

    When you come across the list again, you realise that YOU are everything that is on that list. The list you have created is a mirror of all that your soul recognizes as beautiful, all the inner traits are yours.

    So we are really desiring a relationship with ourselves. As souls we desire the relationship to know and love ourselves, because we keep ourselves separate. As advanced or enlightened souls, we find it easy to perceive that everything else is God, and that God is in everything, yet we still have difficulty in putting ourselves in that frame.

    So the desire to know ourselves, (we have perceived in the past to be the ultimate relationship, is really the desire to stop being disconnected and the separation with God.

    By the way....the piece of paper worked. 3 Years after I wrote it, I was (of course) in the right place at the right time, and met that person who fitted my list. I did not want to go out with them, but I had to, I couldn't help myself...(yes all the nice spiritual fluffy stuff).

    We have been together ever since, have been now for several years.

  13. Where's... 'don't keep secrets' and 'be truthful to those around you' in the list? Put those two into operation and the rest is a walk in the park! :o )

    Your soulmate is the person who you can mutually share all of your well-hidden secrets with. Find that person (the person who your ready for that depth of trust with) and the search is over.

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