The death of her father brings Marina’s pain to a head and leads to a final catharsis
In the previous episode Marina reaches an epiphany regarding her intimacy issues, with the help of good friends and a variety of healing techniques.
BY MARINA GIULLIANI — In my search for healing, I’ve come to the only conclusion possible for me. If recovery is accomplished through honesty, then we’re only as sick as the secrets we keep. I know.
I’ve kept plenty.
Sexual pleasure gave me far more adult responsibility than a young child should be expected to handle. So when I was little, I was never free to be very childlike. When I let go of the bonds of family and Catholicism, I thought I gained my freedom. Instead, I gained control over others with my sexuality, when all I really wanted was to be loved, just like everyone else. Control was my means to that end.
When I’ve looked for power anywhere but inside myself, I’ve been disappointed, because power sought outside ourselves will never save us from our fears. When I love honestly, fear loses its hold on me.
I’ve come to see myself as a recovering Catholic. My Catholic upbringing gave me a basis from which to make wise choices. Without it I may not have known spirit as a child at all, but I’ve turned my back on a Catholic God. Church dogma says that God is out there somewhere, expecting to be worshiped and adored, but I don’t see it that way anymore.
The pure power of love
God is love. Love is generosity, tolerance, patience and surrender. Love is what we are, the primary ingredient of our soul. Love makes us whole. Love connects us to the universe and to each other. But above all, love is feminine power, and it’s all the power we require to survive. My God is no longer separate and unreachable because each of us is God.
Losing my Dad was the major turning point in my life. Fourteen years earlier in a therapist’s chair, I recognized that I was growing older without growing up. But when my father died, I was like Daddy’s little girl, alone for the first time.
But there is something wonderful about death. As a spirit is released from this plane, energies shift, and a ripple is felt deep in the souls of those left behind. The rise and fall of emotion begs for attention, and we can choose to turn a deaf ear or to listen closely to our heart’s desire for healing.
My mental pain turned physical
Until my father passed away, I had no concept of the pain I carried. I dealt with migraines from the time I was a small child but was told, “children don’t get headaches”; so I thought everyone felt the same way, and I learned how to store that ache somewhere in the back of my head.
Any obvious emotional stresses were always cajoled or teased out of me, so I became a woman who could stand on my own two feet, thick-skinned and tough enough not to care. It was all of this that swelled up like a tidal wave in the weeks and months that followed Dad’s passing.
My healing process
Over the next several years, I followed a self prescribed course of spiritual workshops and self help books, women’s groups and daily meditation, proper nutrition and regular physical fitness. But this plan was fraught by many set backs. Emotional layers were peeled and healed only to be complicated by binge eating and my much-depended-on marijuana to numb the pain of open wounds, until I came upon the one key ingredient.
As forgiveness washed over me, I knew the storm was over. I forgave my father first. When he crossed over, the pain surfaced. It wasn’t his fault. It was his gift. The healing couldn’t begin without it.
Next I forgave myself. I had perpetuated my abuse with addictions and by mistreating the gift that is my body, the sacred temple of my God-self. It was time to let it all go.
And finally I’ve forgiven my grandfather. I deserved to be liberated from that anger, and with this, I live a happy and peaceful life. My mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies now flow in harmonious alignment. Forgiveness was the most powerful gift I’ve given myself. Forgiveness was my release.
Marina Giulliani’s book, Sins of My Faith: Innocence Lost to Incest, chronicles a true story of stolen innocence and the ultimate redemption of a little girl raised in the Roman Catholic tradition.
If this spoke to you, here are five similar articles.
- My first taste of control came in my grandfather’s lap
- Finding, and losing, love
- The Power of Now leads to the Power of Marina
- Sex and the single-minded girl
- When sex and love are not part of the same relationship