Friday, October 20th 2017

A warrior’s guide to developing a conscious relationship

“Please don’t give up on me or my fellow warriors.” An end to gender war is possible. . .

GUEST COLUMN BY JEFF BROWN (read part one of this two part series) — I apologize for my inability to develop a conscious relationship. You were right there with your beautiful heart on your sleeve but I was too attached to my individualism and afraid of this unknown terrain. I know the forests, the marketplace and the ways of the outer world so well, but my inner geography is foreign to me. You called me to a place I was ill-prepared to go, although I sensed, below the surface of my bravado, that you called me home.

I am grateful for your willingness to believe that who I was in those rare moments of vulnerability was the real me. You were right — the real me lives inside of my heart — but a few moments now and then was the most I could handle. I saw you as dangerous, for in your presence I began to taste a surrendered way of being. Nonetheless, your faith in my goodness kept me going through many a battle, and restored my faith in life when I most needed it. You were the light at the end of a barbaric tunnel, and I am blessed.

I am grateful that you stuck with me through thick and thin, and I also understand those times you had to give up and let go. I now recognize that there is meaningful difference between a love-ship and a relationship. Love alone is not enough. Without a shared willingness to become conscious, there can only be frustration. I was so often impossible, clinging to my unconsciousness like a soldier clings to his weapons.

I recognize the courage it took for you to keep your heart open in the presence of my resistance. You had every right to seek an authentic relationship, as your spirit was ignited in its presence. Your beautiful heart had every right to be met in its openness and willingness. I am grateful for the time you gave me, a moments respite from the hiding places I mistakenly called home.

Gratitude for all the mothers

I am grateful for Grandmother, for no one saw my tenderness more clearly. I am grateful for Mother, for choosing to bring me into being and for nourishing my body until I could find my feet. I am grateful for Mother Earth, for grounding my expansion and enlivening my spirit. I am grateful for the Divine Mother, the real Mother of us all. I now feel her divine presence, so close. Fiercely compassionate, she was always right here, breathing life into me, holding me safe. I sit in her lap as she breathes me.

I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego, not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding.

I want to touch you with my heart on my sleeve, to know chemistry between us that is not gender identified, but that is essence sourced, loves liquid lava flowing from the heart to the genitals to the great beyond. In this love-struck world, relationship will always be experienced as spiritual practice, a devotional expression of our God-self.

I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little longer than I once could, I am softening in places. After so many lifetimes with weapon in hand, a tenderling warrior is being birthed in the core of my being. He is confused, but he intuitively knows that this is the way home.

The best is yet to come

Please don’t give up on me or my fellow warriors. Forgive us our misdeeds, or, at the least, be open to the possibility that we will change as the trail expands to meet our shifting intentionality. The day will come when our warrior spirit loses its harsh edge, and comes into alignment with benevolent action. Some of us are already there, and many more of us will follow.

The road to transformation is dependent on a bridge between genders, a benevolent bridge that celebrates our differences with respect and kindness. That work must begin with healing the rifts along the gender continuum, working hard to heal the collective heart until one day we can stand on a bridge across forever, hands held together, hearts open and alight, embracing the sacred masculine and divine feminine living at the heart of us all. I will meet you there.

May you feel the love of the Divine Mother crashing down on your heartfelt shores, graciously lifting you up above the madness of the world, nestling you in the grateful arms of those you have nurtured. Those of us who have received your blessings may not always acknowledge it, but your acts of love have landed within us, growing us stronger and infusing us with love’s light. Thank you.

Read part one of this two part series: Apologies to the Divine Feminine (from a warrior in transition).

A former criminal lawyer and psychotherapist, Jeff Brown is the author of Soulshaping: A Journey of Self-Creation, recently published by North Atlantic Books. Endorsed by authors Elizabeth Lesser and Ram Dass, Soulshaping is Brown’s autobiography — an inner travelogue of his journey from archetypal male warrior to a more surrendered path. You can connect with his work at

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9 Comments on “A warrior’s guide to developing a conscious relationship”

  1. This I could have written myself, every word cut deep into my being. It has nothing to do with gender, I am a woman and I locked my divine feminine in a long time ago. The process of letting her out has been my lifes greatest adverture, one that I am grateful for every moment of the day and nIght. Sure, our societys norms makes it even harder for men to turn this direction but I think that showing that it is not only up to them, nor up to the women to change -it takes two to tango.

    A great big thankyou to Jeff for sharing such beauty with us all and Soulscode for being the platform for where it could happen.

    Towards balance we go -soft treading warriors ready to engage.

    Love and joy

  2. Thank you Jeff. Your words beautifully reflect your warrior's courage.

  3. Jeff -

    This is fascinating. Earlier in the week, I received a forwarded email from an online friend in California with your 'warrior' blog post.

    I was moved to write you a note of thanks as we're both from Toronto. You were kind enough to reply.

    The next day, I get your warrior post again, from Soul's Code - which I only discovered two weeks ago.

    As I mentioned, this is a beautiful message with the potential to heal relationships everywhere.

    You say what many women long to hear.

    You also express what many men at a loss for words, long to say.

    Just gorgeous.


  4. @Filippa, Yes, in a way it has nothing to do with gender. This armoring around our heart is intrinsic to the collective unconscious, it is everywhere. Apologies are in order, but, more deeply, a recognition of the ways we have all detached from the world of feeling to shield ourselves.

  5. What a beautiful piece of writing. I read both parts. If both men and women would heed this message of opening our hearts rather than living in our shadows the world would be at peace. Yoga and meditation really help me to open up to all the beautiful possibilities that life has to offer. Now if my two sons and my husband will read this is the question.

  6. From one Spiritual warrior to another, thank you. Your words touched me deeply... the words are so deep and universal that I can't help but think that the Divine Feminine was standing just behind you with Her hand on your shoulder. Some day we (spiritual warriors) will look around and realize everyone is awake, aware and present in the world. It will be.... awesome.

  7. This sounds more like a marketing ploy than a real apology. Setting up your book? Or to be the next Love Guru? The last time I forgave one of these warriors, my heart would open in forgiveness only to be fed upon once more in a more subtle way. I helped him master being a subtly psychic vampire to the feminine. People, male or female, that hunger this way cannot be satisfied except by power and/or attention. So don't even go there...just move on.

  8. Dorothy, I would be a terrible love guru, but I do feel comfortable transmitting a message from a warrior that lives deep inside my bones. He knows the error of his ways, but he also knows that he is not responsible for the behavior of every single arse on the planet.

  9. I appreciate this... apparently much more than some... reading this brought to mind my ex... very much a warrior at work... and always bringing that mindset home with him... became completely that warrior with no thought of how to be anything else... continuously wounded by his mother and directing all that hurt & anger towards me... sex was fine & good but no affection or attention otherwise... caused much resentment from me which I managed to release when trying to save our marriage... but he was not with me... he had already decided that the grass was greener elsewhere... I have much regret for the way things went, especially for our children's sake... But there is no doubt that I am much happier now, no longer feeling beaten down, no longer feeling that I can do nothing right and having a found a man who is nothing like my ex... a wonderful man who has no walls, is patient and kind, sweet and giving, loving and affectionate, great with my children and who completely adores me... I am blessed & I had forgotten what that feels like...
    So... Thank you for allowing me to recognize & release more of the past...
    I do believe that it will help me move forward, for myself & in dealing with my ex as well...

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